The Colonel's Drunken Hysteria
by Foxhound26
Summary: This small chapter was written off the top of my head. It is nothing serious and is meant to be funny. I do not own anything related to Metal Gear solid. Also, drink responsibly.


Roy Campbell was a very well respected Colonel. He had accomplished more than any other man in his position had ever hoped to. So one might ask why this respected Colonel was drinking his ass off at one in the morning down at the local bar.

As he sat there alone, he wondered what his life had left to offer him. He was sick and tired of all the action. He was surprised when a woman much younger than him sat down next to him. He thought this was perfect. He would tell this woman how he destroyed Metal Gear Rex. Surely it would get him some less dangerous action. Maybe.

In a drunken slur, Roy decided to say something. "Errrr heyyy there. Did you know I killed a giant evil robotic dinosaur?" The woman ignored him. So he tried again. "I killed it. It even had a name. It was petal rear ex." The woman decided to sit somewhere else. She probably had enough trouble with drunks already. "Fine then... bissstch."

Roy got up and stumbled towards the exit all while forgetting to pay for his alcohol fun time. "Put it on my tab you peeese of shieet. I kill android robotshh for a living." He stumbled even harder out of the bar and fell face first into the street. The cold ground gave him an odd feeling and it reminded him of Shadow Moses Island. He heard a truck driving by and started to become schizophrenic. "No... it can't be! Another Metal Gear!" He quickly crawled under a nearby parked car and he silently watched as the truck drove by. He started playing with his watch, as if it was a communication device. "Snake, can you hear me? This is Colonel Campbell... damn! No answer! Looks like I'm on my own this time."

"I gotta get out of here" he said quietly. He crawled as quick as he could to the manhole in the middle of the street. He managed to open it and he climbed down the ladder, surprisingly without falling, and entered the sewers. "I can't believe this is happening again. Snake! Come in Snake! ... Damn! What is going on!?" The Colonel started creeping down the dark corridor. He was being very cautious.

He stopped and leaned up against the wall when he heard what sounded like a huge Metal Gear above on the street. But it was actually a big rig truck. As he came up to a closed metal door, his cellphone started to ring. He stopped and pressed a button on his watch, still thinking it was a communication device. He seemed to think Snake was calling him on his frequency. "This is Colonel Campbell. Snake, can you hear me? Im in the middle of danger. There are Metal Gears all over the place. What should I do? ... Snake? ...Damnit! Connection lost!"

He went up to the door and slowly opened it. There was yet again another dark corridor, with a door on the left side. He saw a shadow coming his way. He quickly and quietly made it to the small room on the left. It appeared to be a maintenance closet. "They must use these tools to maintain the Metal Gears. I better be careful." He leaned up against the wall as he heard footsteps outside the door. The person walking stopped for a moment, but then proceeded to keep walking. The sound of the footsteps slowly faded away. The Colonel gave a sigh of relief.

He crept out of the room and made his way to the end of the corridor. "Hmmm... a ladder." The Colonel climbed the ladder and exited the sewers. As he made it to the streets he noticed another truck approaching. He dove behind a car to take cover. "Oh no. Its a Gekko! Snake! I need backup! Damnit where is my support!? Ah! There! I can take cover inside that building!" He ran over to a window and broke it open with a brick. He climbed inside.

He had entered an office building. It was pretty dark. He noticed all the computers and was surprised. "I've made it to the control room! This kind of equipment cannot be allowed to thrive." Colonel Campbell looked around the room and found the basement. He slowly opened the door. It was pitch black. "Hmmm. Im gonna need something to help me see." He looked around the office and grabbed a pair of sunglasses off of a desk. "There we go, night vision goggles."

He started to walk down the stairs. "This is perfect. Now I can easily-..." (CRASH) The Colonel fell down the stairs. "Ahhhh... an enemy trap.. I better hurry." He felt on the walls and found a nozzle, and turned it a few times. The Colonel went back upstairs and jumped back outside, then threw his lighter inside. Thanks to the gas lines being opened, the entire office exploded. "Snake, I don't know if you can hear me, but the control room has been destroyed."

Fire trucks, police cars, and a few ambulances were on the way. "Snake! I have multiple Metal Gears converging on my position! I need extraction! Goddamnit SNAKE!" The Colonel ran towards the nearby river and ditched his clothes figuring they would weigh him down and dove in, avoiding all the police and firemen. Or in his mind, Metal Gears.


End file.
